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| It would appear that going to bed at 10pm has some unintended side effects.
1) Incredible rejuvenating rest. This is the least unintended.
2) a sudden boost in AM spare time. After how tired I've been the last 3 days, I was definitely not expecting to wake up this early.
3) Somewhat symbolic and insight-filled dreams. Most of my dreams are like this anyway, but read like a drug-trip sci-fi novel. The two I had and managed to record today involved real people, had direct confrontation with real problems (albeit in indirect ways) and left me with fewer questions than answers. In response to that last part, all I can say is "whose dreams are you and what have you done with Erik's??"
4) Sudden clarity of thought on several matters. I think I need to find more dependable friends. A lot of the folk I have met via the internet have turned out to be unreliable in too many ways. I don't believe that meeting people irl as a result of meeting thru the internet makes you more likely to not see them as a real person, per se, but I am thinking there is still some kind of disconnect in place. It's almost as if there's still that "lack of responsibility" factor that goes with online interaction- (you know, the whole ability to say whatever you want and treat people badly because you won't ever actually meet them or have to deal with the consequences of your behavior)- just extended into actual irl settings. That being said, I think I am going to focus more on solidifying the relationships I already have than making new ones. I don't really need more friends, just better ones. If that means having to drive to Indianapolis and eastern Ohio and Chicago, I guess I'll have to learn to drive and spend time more efficiently
5) Forgiveness. I have to take some of the not-big-in-the-grand-scope-of-things offenses against me and view them in that perspective. I am suddenly struck with the thought that part of getting past these kinds of things will require A) getting past being mad about them, which timely sleep apparently helps with, at least this time, anyway B) putting why it bugged/irked/caused-you-pain into non-minced, clear wording and C) discussing the matter with the people that figuratively slapped you in the face. Without doing all 3 of those things, there would probably not be the forgiveness I know I need to have for the person who caused me pain/irritation/suffering.
6) Vengeance. It also suddenly strikes me on how prevalent (widespread) the acceptance of vengeful behavior is, and it scares me. Just because we get wronged doesn't mean we get a chance to get back at people. In any given revenge, my feeling better and making the other person feel like shit isn't "equivalent exchange" for how I was wronged. Teaching people revenge is perfectly acceptable is how we end up with unending conflicts like the middle east. (Yes, I'm oversimplifying that entire regional and cultural conflict, but keep reading).
What do I mean? The pushing of the concept of justice over mercy. "If I get back at so-and-so, then we'll be square" "if I get my revenge, then we're good again" and so on-they promote the idea that if you enact your revenge, you end up back where you started in the conflict, back at square one, with problems solved. The fact of the matter is that if you can't get over the problem by talking the problem out, keying the person's car won't get you past the issue either. It might make you feel better, but to be honest, your peace of mind isn't worth stooping to the other person's level. I'm not saying that having the moral high-ground is what actually matters-it isn't a matter of simply not having done Bad Action X, it is making the CHOICE to not do Bad Action X that makes you different than the aggressor. But getting back to my original point- revenge doesn't solve the problem, either- whatever happened as a result of the other person doing something wrong to you, these consequences aren't magically solved by a counter-offensive. To take the keying-of-a-car example: if someone cheats on you, and you key their car, it makes you feel better for a bit, but it certainly doesn't put trust back into the relationship. Quite the opposite (obviously). And it distracts from the real issue, minimizing it really, by pushing it into the background.
Done typing for now.
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| The only good role models I can find around here are my grandparents, and my old supervisor whose job I now do in the afternoons. They are all age 65 or older. What is with that?
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| I will start with something funny, because sometimes you just need something to laugh at.
GREAT DESTINY MANNN
I am sitting here after the dentist. I am numb on the left side of my face, starting, interestingly, at my left sideburn, and continuing down to my lip.
I am waxing philosophical again. Work is going just fine. Yesterday was a low-census day, which meant I was on-call, but I wasn't needed, so it was a sort of day off.
I have been playing some interesting games lately, which have no doubt contributed to the ideas I mull around.
In Immortal Defense, (trailer here) I got to play as a man, voluntarily disembodied by technology and pushed into a plane one dimension higher than hyperspace to become a "path defender", in order to fend off an invading alien fleet from utterly destroying his home world. But the technology is experimental, and after saving his family and the world, he cannot go home...and the actual game begins. Amazing tower defense gameplay- after I got the demo here, I just HAD to buy the full version for a mere ten bucks. The question asked of you on the website is "Is there anything you would give up everything to defend?"
In another game, Planescape: Torment (super happy name already, right) I got to play as an amnesiac- he wakes up in a kind of mortuary, with the only clue to his identity the tattoos on his body, telling him not to lose his journal, which is conveniently missing. You find out rather quickly that this character "The Nameless One" is immortal- and every time you die you pop back up in the mortuary, whose employees keep kindly putting your body back to its resting place, however tiring it is to run the two flights of stairs to the exit. The question that keeps popping up in this game is "what can change the nature of a man?"
Next new (to me) game I've been messing around with is System Shock 2, which is an FPS in a future where a crazed AI has taken over the space station you're in some kind of ego trip to control humanity.
And then, before all of these, Bioshock 2- where you play as "subject Delta," the prototype Big Daddy in the underwater city of Rapture. Bioshock games have a lot of moral choices in them, and identity crises.
I've been playing FF4 and FFV again, too.
Immortal Defense makes me think wonder my perspective might change if I didn't have the body I have, or if I didn't have one at all. Just having a chunk of my face numb makes it seem foreign to me, like a piece of meat that (grudgingly?) responds to my will. What if I had been born minus an arm, like a boss I had once? Or without working legs? One of my closes friends is blind in one eye. What am I taking for granted?
Planescape's main character is an immortal amnesiac-who gets a new take on life every time he gets himself bumped off (and the game being one of the old point click RPG's, like Fallout 2, you get a lot of chances to die). He keeps a journal to tell himself everything he has forgotten, and starts right after you start a new game having misplaced his old one. Makes me wonder about the concept of identity- and choices. How many decisions do we make each day that shape our lives-based off choices we don't realize we are making? Morality on autopilot, and so on.
There's this cheesy quote from Charles Swindoll about attitude that hangs on my fridge- my grandma gave it to my mom a while back. The gist of it is "we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day." I go back and forth from absolutey despising that quote to wanting to give Mr. Swindoll a handshake.
Bioshock games (system shock 2 was a predecessor in the series) are full of these "how do you want to meet your goal" choices. Do you want to do it the quick and easy way, even if its clearly the selfish way? Or do you want to go about things in a less morally ambiguous was that doesn't cause your conscience to wince, even if it makes the game harder or more tedious? Ya, ya, "its just a game, don't think too hard" but seriously, how do you want to live your life? Most people probably have dealth with this familiar dilemma: do you want to rush out of work the minute you're off the clock, or will you stay the extra 10 or 15 minutes to get things the way they should be for the next shift, even though there's no way they're going to pay you for it? In a video game (most of the time) when you get a choice like that you end up with a guaranteed payoff either way- if you go the "good" route you end up with a reputation bonus from some faction or whatever, but in real life that's obviously not always the case.
Final Fantasy games, I'm just now consciously noticing, always have some kind of ancient civilization that no longer exists. Cool idea, definitely a solid trope, but why does it draw people in? It can't just be the flashy technology- though as a kid that was why it was so cool. There has to be something about the idea that keeps us coming back it. I'm guessing it is the idea that someone knows something more than we do about the fundamental nature of things. Even if the civilization is long gone, they knew something we didn't know, and that makes us super curious as to how we can achieve what they had-and I'm sure jealousy figures in there somewhere (seriously, who doesn't want teleporter pads).
Haven't been to church in too long. I keep making these last minute excuses- "i'll be late" and so on. I reread C.S. Lewis Christian Behavior book again the other week. I've read him say before "When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him." Hard to remember, especially with God in mind.
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| Games that are like a choose your own adventure are the best.
Bioshock 2 seems to have this going for it, though I haven't gotten all the way through it yet. I am on the super-good path, which, like the first game, involves saving all the children.
What's great is when they reward you for doing what you already think is right. :D
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| So, yesterday at work was a long day. Not sure why I feel the need to go on about it some here, but I do.
2 things were unusual about yesterday at work.
I'm working as a receptionist now, btw, at a hospital, dans le waiting room.
For the first time since I started working, a patient died while I was there. The doctor and the anesthesiologist came out and had to explain to the family what happened, and immediately after they found, one of the women started wailing. I would say crying, but it was more than normal crying. Made me feel terrible to hear. Hearing the news was awful too- it brought me for a moment back to when I found out my dad had died, only I was at home hearing it from my mom back then. Some of the patient's kids were there-all middle aged, but it was just as bad for them all the same. I was able to do the things I'm supposed to do when a patient dies (ask the family if I can make any calls for them, contact the hospital chaplain, and a few other things) but ugh, I knew a lot how they felt hearing the news. I don't think I'll see any of them again, but I will pray, at least. Its all I can do for them now.
The other thing that happened makes me feel a bit silly to ruminate on. But this beautiful girl passed through and asked for directions to see her father. He was one of the patients for the day, as I recall. I told her how to get where she needed to. And she came back, a minute later, with a "I feel silly asking directions again" look on her face, but it struck me as a bit charming. She must have got where she was going, because I didn't see her again after that-I'm pretty sure she only made a left where she wanted to make a right instead. Alas. She had short black hair, not quite shoulder length, with some sort of blond highlights or something. A little shorter than me, and a figure to swing dance with. She had this great smile-and a voice like a butterfly playing the lute. Must've made an impression on me, I'm waxing poetic. //rolls eyes.
The whole day was definitely out of the ordinary.
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